


Why Do You Have To Bring Mummy Into This?

by Shoedog



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Bad Dirty Talk, Communication Failure, Dirty Talk, Humor, I SUCK AT THE ART OF DIRTY TALK TOO, I learned all I know from TV & movies, I must have been on a bathroom break when this was explained., M/M, Or sent out into the hall for passing notes., SORRY! I LOVE SHEROLLY!, Who knew?, anyway, bad form to gift fans of one ship of the same fandom a different ship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-27
Updated: 2013-10-27
Packaged: 2017-12-30 14:53:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1020002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shoedog/pseuds/Shoedog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock & John try to spice up things w/a little filthy talk.  It doesn't come naturally.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why Do You Have To Bring Mummy Into This?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [canolacrush](https://archiveofourown.org/users/canolacrush/gifts), [maybe_amanda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/maybe_amanda/gifts), [sunken_standard](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunken_standard/gifts), [conchepcion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/conchepcion/gifts), [broomclosetkink](https://archiveofourown.org/users/broomclosetkink/gifts), [becisvolatile](https://archiveofourown.org/users/becisvolatile/gifts), [PetraTodd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PetraTodd/gifts).



> Based on the legendary Seinfeld when Jerry's new girlfriend likes dirty talk and clueless Jerry makes the oddest faux pas in dirty talk history.
> 
> I'm gifting it to canolacrush for all the entertainment her work has given me in the past few weeks.
> 
> Also the Sherlock/Molly writers for feeding my habit.

"You like that, don't you?"

"Mmmm, yes."

"Makes you hard. And gasping for it?"

"Oh, god, John, yes!"

"Are these the knickers your Mummy laid out for you on the bed this morning?"

"WHAT THE FUCK, JOHN? Why do you have to bring Mummy into this? Forget it. Game over. I've lost my erection. Thanks. I'll be working on the footprint comparison in the Cotter case."

"OH, COME ON, SHERLOCK! It's not like when I called you a dirty whore or a jizz jar waiting to be overflowed or compared your arsehole to a cum bucket. I know now that's TOO 'recherché' for your liking"

"Yes, John. The 'recherché dig was subtle. Also, thank you for bringing up THOSE delightful memories of our past sexual congress. I would expect any chance of me wanting you sexually to happen within, say, after three months from today. Keep talking, let's see if we can extend it, shall we?"

John gripes under his breath as Sherlock furiously belts his dressing gown. "My god. Who knew the man who leaps in the air over grisly murders was such a fragile flower?"

"What's that? What's that you just mumbled, John?"

"Nothing. Forget it."

"Nothing?! I distinctly heard something. What was it? Come now, a brave, valiant soldier of God and country surely can not be afraid of repeating what he passive aggressively muttered."

"Do you have to be such a...? Fine! I said, "My god. Who knew the man who leaps in the air over grisly murders was such a fragile flower?" Is that better? Do you feel happier knowing what I said? Shall I trepan my skull so you could read my every thought now?"

"John, you should know by now I don't enjoy reading light fiction."

"Good one."

"You are the one always going on about what a cold, calculating machine I am. I'd think you be overjoyed by my very human reaction to your bizarre, inappropriate approximation of sex talk. Dragging my mum into our sex life. 'The knickers your Mummy laid out for you on the bed this morning.' What in blazes does that even MEAN?!?"

"I DON'T KNOW! You try having a partner who gets off on filth whispered in his ear, practically demands it but has such stringent rules concerning content! It's not easy to do, keep all the 'Do and Don't' straight in my head, holding you in my arms, looking into your wild eyes, smelling the waves of desire surging off you! I'm not the brilliant one, able to think coherently when you've got me so hard I'm about to combust!"

Sherlock stops at doorway. Waits a beat or two. Turns around, half smile tugging at his Clara Bow lips "Want to just…" Cringe. "...cuddle a bit?"

John, acting slightly mollified but secretly relieved "I guess we could."

Both return to the bed, Sherlock yanking at his too dramatically tied dressing robe sash.

"'Knickers MY Mummy laid out for ME! Really, John, what was going through your head?"

"Sherlock! Let it go! It WAS kind of...odd, wasn't it?"

"Very."

"So are you. Gimme a kiss."


End file.
